By Ciara Salinas

Can someone explain to me why when I ask someone about their dating life I get disappointed sighs and dejected facial expressions? Why is romance dying?  What is Gen Z’s problem? Read on and I’ll attempt to provide some solutions.

We’ve all heard the phrase “a man who yearns, earns,” correct? Yearning can be defined as an intense feeling of longing for something or someone, and according to some, in order to yearn you have to experience the painful feeling of desiring someone you probably can’t have. Think of Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan. Well, some might believe that the lack of yearning in our generation is the cause of romance dying. I mean, where’s my Mr. Darcy?!  

Junior marketing student Mariane Ebony Sagna believes that a solid relationship is built over time. She said, “Nobody really knows what slow burning is. I think a lot of people, when they have a concept of liking someone, they want that person right away. They feel entitled to that person’s time. And from my experience, that fizzles out quickly. It feels intense in one moment, but when you think about it, do you actually know that person?” 

Sagna contends that the fear of being vulnerable can affect how others go about relationships. She added, “ I also feel like people are scared to be vulnerable because, you know, we all text, and that’s our main way of communicating. A lot of people got used to texting , so when [you] talk to someone via face, you wouldn’t think to ask like [their] favorite book or movie.”

Social media has taken over the way we communicate and connect with each other, so there’s no surprise to see that it also affects our romantic relationships. First year nursing student Emily Hanoman thinks that because of social media, it’s easier for people to be disloyal and careless towards their partner. She said, “I feel like people, especially guys, are superficial and only want one thing. Social media has made it hard because a man can send the same text to twenty different girls at the same time, and you would never know. And, on top of that, if you do get into a situation or relationship with someone, there’s, like, insecurities.”

 I notice that people tend to use terms like lovebombing, gaslighting and narcissist to diagnose someone they don’t like. To lovebomb someone is to manipulate them with an overwhelming amount of affection and gifts. Gaslighting is another manipulative tactic by which a person can make their partner question their own memories or sanity. A narcissist is someone with a personality disorder in which the afflicted person seeks a lot of attention, is extremely insecure and lacks consideration for other people’s feelings. These terms are used in therapy talk, specific language that is usually used in psychotherapy, but now is used in everyday interactions. 

Has therapy talk ruined courtship? While it has been helpful to those who have been a recipient of these toxic behaviors, therapy talk has also been weaponized by those who want to feel righteously superior to someone who may have hurt them. First year psychology student Michael Neysmith believes that the misuse of these terms can affect how people show love towards each other. He is especially concerned about “simping” when one shows an immoderate amount of affection and attention in hopes of winning a person’s affection. Neysmith said, “When it comes to lovebombing, it could be seen as ‘simping’. I mean nobody wants to be seen as a lovebomber or simp.” Neysmith argues that these labels can discourage daters from showing affection or generosity to a potential partner. 

Situationships are non-committal, unlabeled relationships, where often one person wants something more out of the current situation (likely an actual relationship) and  the other person is just there for a good time, not a long time! Does giving this dynamic an official label normalize it? And if so, how does it affect the meaning we give to dating? For many, including myself, it’s the bane of their existence. According to Hanomen, “Situationships are the dumbest thing ever. Why are we doing relationship stuff but you don’t want to commit?” She believes that the normalization of these labels prevent people from taking dating and relationships seriously.  

Neysmith partly agrees that normalizing situationships can prove to be problematic. He said, “Situationships can ruin dating because if more people think it’s okay, there’s gonna be less relationships.”

However Neysmith also makes the point that situationships are okay as long as everyone involved is aware of what they’re getting into. He said, “If both people don’t want to be committed, then there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

So, what is the solution to this crisis. Begin by developing your relationship traits like respect, empathy, honesty, and romance. Take these steps:

1. Be honest with yourself.

 Reflect on your core values and figure out what you truly want in a relationship, not what is expected of you to want. 

2. Be honest with others. 

Just as you would want someone to tell you how they feel, it’s best to be direct with them and tell them how you feel. 

3. Be present. 

Take a break from social media and its endless relationship advice and discussions. 

4. Go out with family and friends. 

Don’t forget that there are people out there who love you in the way that you deserve to be loved. 

5. Be patient with yourself. 

You’re young and still learning about the world around you. It’s okay if you don’t have this love thing figured out. 

In the meantime, while you are waiting for a relationship to bloom, don’t give up on love. I suggest you write yourself a love letter, watch your favorite romance film, read your favorite romance book or listen to your favorite romantic song (my favorite is “Mystified” by Fleetwood Mac). By doing so, you will be reminded that loving someone is never a waste, and that love comes from you not to you. Relationships are like butterflies. Chasing them will only exhaust us and leave us frustrated with the lack of reciprocity. You have to create a garden of love that’s filled with the fruits of self-compassion and the flowers of grace. A romantic partner might be there temporarily, but it’s okay. You’ll always have that beautiful garden that will not only care for you, but will provide for  anyone who wishes to pass through.