By Ciara Salinas

During Winter break,  I watched  a bunch of romcom films while rotting in bed. I was watching all these movies, and making fun of how corny they were. I came to the conclusion that a lot of these films romanticize unrealistic and problematic behaviors in dating. I love myself some “Twilight,” but I wouldn’t say Bella experiencing months of depression and abandoning her father for Edward is the most romantic scenario ever.

I think the worst part is how influential these romantic films are, especially with the lack of sound dating advice. Starting from a young age, many people look at movies, TV shows and books as teachers of how to practice exciting and romantic relationships. It seems like on social media, and in real life, people want to experience that romance film level kind of relationship. However, I do wonder to myself if romantic media in general ruins real life relationships. If people take what they see on TV, and even on social media, and apply it to their relationships like it’s truth and law, it can have deleterious effects on someone’s first relationship. I mean, who else can you look up to for relationship advice that isn’t a character in a film? 

It’s so easy to blur the line between reality and fantasy when film and television gives you characters you can relate to. Furthermore, when you see these characters in situations that are portrayed as romantic and realistic even though they are actually not, you imagine yourself experiencing the same romantic scenarios. Senior psychology student Aani Mehta who conducted research on love addiction, states that the reason people are attracted to the toxicity and drama in films is because it’s interwoven into our everyday life. She said, “As a society,  because we see [romance movies] all the time, it’s expected to go into a relationship [where] some unhealthy and toxic characteristics make it more interesting. I’ve heard people say that if you haven’t had a good hard argument or fight often, then you’re not in a stable relationship. And, that’s not to say that there shouldn’t be arguments, but abuse is not a normal thing in a relationship, neither is toxicity.” 

Everyone has their own unrealistic expectation. Trust me, I know. I’m the queen of unrealistic expectations. However, some of the expectations films give people not only affect their partners negatively, but their well being as well. First year psychology student Adrianna Costen believes that romance movies can lead you to comparing yourself and your partner to these characters and possibly be disappointed that your relationship doesn’t mirror what is portrayed in the media.

First year psychology student Adrianna Costen said, “ I think romantic films shape the expectation that we have for our real life relationships. They can lead to us holding our partners to the standards displayed in film and feeling as if we settled if they give us less.”

And, not only do films portray unrealistic ideals, but also toxic ones like cheating, stalking, abuse, lashing out, power dynamics, love triangles, and traditional gender roles that constrain an individual. Costen said, “Films tend to portray a very self sacrificial view of love. A famous movie being ‘The Notebook’ where the love interest waits 7 years to get his girl and even builds her dream house.” 

Senior psychology student Aani Mehta says dark romance movies like ”Fifty Shades of Grey” romanticize heavy themes like abuse and trauma. She said, “‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is supposed to show kink and romance, but, instead, it romanticizes trauma, sadism, and abuse.” 

First year physical education student Kevin Vaga believes that stalking and verbal abuse is shown in films. “Some things I’ve seen are stalking or lashing out at your partner because of something you didn’t like. Those are only some examples, but people do face those types of challenges in real life,” he said. 

Gender has a big impact on how influential these movies are. In paranormal/monster romance movies women protagonists are put into dangerous situations by, usually, the male leads we’re supposed to root for. These movies romanticize it through subtext, characterization and, inevitably, the characters getting their “happily ever after” with said male lead. Vaga said, “When we look at people who identify as female, and they see female characters seeming more meek going after the bad boys, it kind of normalizes that it’s okay, or romantic even, for guys to act controlling and possessive to the point where you lose your freedom and independence. And then for the guys, or anyone who identifies as male, they see that this is what girls like, this is what girls want.” 

Vaga strengthens this point by mentioning how people who are male-presenting rarely see realistic outcomes when it comes to expectations or behaviors shown in movies. He said, “In some films and media, we mostly only see the good things. We never see the bad things that could follow along. This pushes some males to go into a mindset that if something isn’t done a certain way, or if they don’t treat someone [the] way they saw in a movie, then that means they’re not good enough or they’re doing a bad job.”

You can’t change how influential toxic romance movies are because, well, they’re a fun watch. I can’t lie! Again, I love myself a bad boy trope, but we can advocate for healthier tropes in romantic films to create balance. On social media, and in real life, I have seen many express how tired they are of seeing the same toxic, unrealistic tropes in romance films. This has been an especially prevalent conversation when it comes to Netflix’s new movie, “The People We Meet on Vacation.” The male lead has a girlfriend the whole time the main characters are falling in love with each other, and we are supposed to be rooting for them. A popular trope a lot of people want to see in films is communication. There’s so much miscommunication in real life relationships that it would be refreshing to see characters in movies communicate with one another in a respectful manner. A movie I personally believe that portrays good problem solving in a romantic relationship is “Rye Lane.” 

While it’s okay to fantasize about unrealistic scenarios, it’s always wise to remember when fantasy should stay as fantasy. Always make sure that whoever, or whatever, you look to imitate when it comes to romance actually aligns with who you are and what you value in a relationship. Go into your relationships knowing that your partner might not have those same fantasies or expectations that you see in film. Healthy relationships require communication, trust, compassion and understanding to work in the long run. If there’s a particular romantic gesture that you see from a movie or show and want to experience it, communicate that with your partner. However, understand what is a healthy and respectable gesture and what isn’t. Movies are not only for entertainment, they can teach us something. So, it’s no surprise with how influential they are in shaping people’s perspectives on love. Don’t take what you watch literally. Deconstruct the ideas that they’re communicating with you about romance. That way, you can fully understand what you want from a relationship.